I’m back on….. the Prozac… Again…..

After having a bit of a breakdown, that caused me to have visions of killing stupid people (so many qualified victims…. so little time…), I elected to seek anti-depression medication again. I had been on Prozac prior to being on Wellbutrin and Lexapro, and had found it to be far too mind numbing, so I was hoping that there might be an alternative. But after spending some time reviewing my symptoms with my doctor, he felt that the lowest dose of Prozac (10mg) would be the best drug to alleviate my anger and rage, and I am happy to report that after a little over 3 weeks, that I am feeling ever so much better. I had high hopes that I could walk away from my mediations completely; so much in my life had changed from the time 13 years ago when I first went on Prozac (which in hindsight probably kept me from going completely mad on 9/11, which I watched on TV from the initial moments after the first plane flew into the North Tower). I had gotten married and gone through menopause, and had completely forgotten what I had felt like pre meds. So it would probably be a old thing if I wrote down all of the reasons why I will NEVER go un medicated again.

1. Feeling like there is a low voltage running throughout your body, one you have no control of, and which will surge at all of the wrong moments
2. Feeling like no matter what you do, life is completely hopeless. Pointless.
3. Feeling like you could kill someone and get away with it and feel little to no remorse. Even if they deserve it (yeah…still feel that way… more later on that one…)
4. Feeling like it is completely okay to be a crazy person

Okay, that one I need to elaborate on. I actually don’t mimd being crazy. I kinda like it. It puts you out there, away from the fray. And that’s okay. What I hated what not being able to keep it to myself. It’s a part of me that I only want to share in measured doses. I need to tab into it, and use it when it serves me and the situation best. My crazy belongs to me, and only me. One more item to add to the list: 5.  I don’t like dragging down those I love I can tell my husband is much happier since I went on Prozac. He deals with depression as well, and the last thing he needs is me being a drama queen.  I love him, and I never want to put him through that agin. He deserves better. We both do.